and there came a rocket to the moon.

[Posted last September 1, 2007, 4:29 PM]

This day has given me this opportunity to prove to myself that I can let it go. I have endured it. I have been pushing him further in the back of my head, while all these emotions I have for him are purposely locked up in another part of my brain where forgetting can be possible.

Yes, I’d like to forget. Its been going on forever. I have been saying that everyday to myself whenever I wake up in the morning… memorizing the words like a chant. Although it is inevitable that he pops into my head out of blue. I can still manage. Taking control of I should be thinking. But just like I always can’t figure out with his complicated head, he makes a move when sees that I am letting it all go… and poof! I’m once again under his dizzy spell.

Only last week, we had a serious talk. We were once again in our “punch drunk love” state.

Him: “Help me figure this out… Baket ganun, naiisip kita and hinahanap kita. Alam mo yun! Unang una, alam mo na ayaw na ayaw ko ng makulet, pero baket ganun namimiss ko kakulitan mo. Oo nga, isang workplace lang tayo, pero baket na mimiss kita… yung company mo, lahat…”

Her: “Are you falling in love with me?”

And then there was silence. Again I was left unanswered. I am always left unanswered. So this is the way it feels, huh. To be left there in a position where you don’t know where you really are…

I don’t want to ask myself anymore. The never-ending parade of big WHY’s will just flood my head and I will drown myself again in insomnia. Still with no answer. It’s like floating into the infinity of space and the universe. A puzzle left unsolved; he gave me missing pieces and I don’t know where to find it. Hidden in his labyrinth-like brain, I don’t know where to start looking.

We all know when to stop. May hanganan ang lahat, ika nga sa blog ni Lee. I have been telling myself, I have been planning... pero the more you plan, mas nauudlot. That's why I have been refraining myself lately of "looking forward and making plans" and I have been getting myself use to living in the present... kung anung mangyari ngayon, yun na yun. Mahirap na ang mag expect ulit...

Things unplanned are far much better, since all of this were so uplanned from the beginning. I'm just waiting in line for my answer... he may or may not give it at all. But the time for my so called closure will happen soon. I just don't know when...

Natutunan ko nang maging manhid... maging passive. Maybe because I have been talking to him casually and its working. Yun siguro ang remedy ko. Being casual na parang wala lang... baka sa pagiging ganyan ko sa kanya, sakali, dun ko na na siya unti-unting makalimutan...

Sana.