that awful memory of yours.

[Posted: September 18, 2007, 6:39 PM]

Tuesday marks the spot of my 5^th day of avoiding his presence. It has been quite long for me after that Friday incident where I think I woke up from that big bitch slap of reality caving in when I was at the peak of my tipsy state. I wasn't drunk at all, finishing 4 bottles of Tequilla is worth it, I can still remember the things that were said and how things were happening in front of my eyes. We sat side by side like there was solely nothing, we weren't even talking the way we used to talk, like everything is all gone. He doesn't interest me anymore. Period. He left without even saying anything, he just played with my hair like I was a little kid. Now that was stupid.

So going back... nilunod ko ang sarili ko sa mga kanta ni Annie Lennox, sabay Google ng mga lyrics nito. Naitapos kong download ang album niya na BARE at biglang napasabi ko sa sarili ko na... eto, eto ang para sa kanya. Lahat ng pwede kong sabihin sa kanya ay nasa lyrics ng mga piling kanta ko sa album ni Annie Lennox. Tugma lahat sa nararamdaman ko, dagdagan mo pa ng Flicker ng Up Dharma Down at Away, Away ng A Rocket to the Moon... SHOOT! Tamang timpla, sakto ang lasa.

I wore my usual giddy-and-happy face... pero bakit ganun... people can still see the sadness in your eyes no matter how much you have convinced them that I am okay. Kita pa rin daw ang lungkot, halatang nagtitimpi, halatang naiisip ko pa rin siya... nagtitiis, nagpipigil, umiiwas. Kailangan na kasi eh, kailangan ko nang isalba ang sarili ko bago pa ako malunod ng tuloyan. Tama na siguro ang iyakan. Sa sobrang sakit na naibinigay mo sakin, hindi ko na alam ko nasasaktan pa ba ako sa mga ginagawa mo... manhid na. Natiis ko lahat ng yun sa loob ng tatlong buwan at sinong magaakalang kinaya ko pala...

Sa mga nagdaang araw mula nong madaling araw ng Biyernes, inaamin kong nahihirapan na nga ako. Balik na naman ako sa pagpipigil sa mga unting bagay kagaya ng masulyapan ka o marinig ang boses mo. Kinakaya ko. Sobrang kinakaya ko na hindi maging marupok, na hindi bumigay sa mga guilty pleasures ko. Pero sadyang mahirap.

Ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko ngayon ay parang isang malaking addiction na dapat sadya kong kinukuha sa katawan ko. Mahirap siyang kunin sa system mo. DETOXIFYING and CLEANSING = FORGETTING. Masakit. Mahirap... pero kailangan. It will take time cos it doesn't happen overnight like those instant products being advertised on tv. Changes don't work that way. You have to want it and it pushes you to get better. I guess it is a WANT, a NEED and a SHOULD. Dapat lahat mangaling sa'yo. Kung tutuosin nga its too late but still I will pursue this path.

Naaalala ko na naman siya, bumabalik lang bigla... Poof! Ayan na naman siya. It always leaves me with a pang of pain but now I couldn't see myself cry nor do I see myself getting all sentimental again. Masyadong manhid na siguro ako. Bago lahat ng ito sa akin. I never thought I could be this cold and passive, I can live being like this. Minsan nga sabi ko baka sa kanya lang at hindi naman sa ibang tao. Ginugusto kong maging ganito dahil din sa kanya, yun lang siguro ang paraan na unti-unti ko siyang malimutan... Eto na siguro ang paraan na pwede ko na siyang makalimutan ng tuloyan.

I am treading the right path. I should be and am moving on. And I won't look back anymore. I don't want to look back with a dozen of questions popping out again... I admit, there are still alot of things that he got me confused. It got me tangled into knots. He left me figuring out and hanging onto the things he said.

The case is closed. I knew that the answers were in front of me, I just needed to hear it from him cos I find it much appeasing and I prefer it that way I guess. But... it all ends like this. Like Ate Joy said, he may or may not give you the closure but either way you should find pick yourself up and find the door.

And I won't look back. I won't look back.